What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 09:58
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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She married twice! .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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My family never makes their pension either.
Put me off passion for life!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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But it wasn’t much.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Comes on , in middle age.
I was very sick at this time too.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We were not on the streets..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Quia quia unde harum qui quas.
But, we were locked up after school.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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Ive learnt so much.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
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Why did i forgive my father ?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I think the readers, may guess!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As i do to all so called friends.?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We all went to grammer schools
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I waited trembling.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I will be 64.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was scared of men, in general
Would this be the day?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Especially a lifetime of it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One cannot live in the past .
I couldn’t, believe it.
So, i spoilt her more .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My life is so biszare .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He knew the spot.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But ive been too sick for many years..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was seconnd youngest,
I said to her
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
All the time i was locked up.
Im still living with it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Who then, do I blame.?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I have no regrets .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
What did i know ?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
It was going to be , some day.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
So whats the point in blame.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
When she asked me how she looked .
Was to survive, this bastard.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I write beautiful poetry .
He resisted the act ,that day.
And i lived it daily.
She was in good health!
I don,t even have a pension.
She found it foreign!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was 9 years of age.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
This is soul school!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She loved him until the end.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.